Main the Distinctive Ladies Alliance offers me a front-row seat to how completed girls carry one another by means of mentorship and progress. Joanna Dodd Massey is a company board director and Fortune 500 government with experience in threat, governance, and disaster management. She has a PhD in psychology and advises boards and executives navigating high-stakes challenges and organizational change.
Q: Why do household conversations flip so tense throughout the holidays?
Massey: Alcohol and compelled household enjoyable play a job, however beneath all of it is our biology. Human beings are a type of species that may’t survive alone—we’re hardwired for connection as a result of our survival relies on belonging to a tribe.
When somebody assaults our beliefs, the automated a part of our mind reacts as if we’re in peril. It doesn’t know the distinction between a tiger within the wild and a relative on a rant.
That response—what we name the “battle, flight, or freeze” response—shuts down the rational a part of the mind that handles logic and self-control. It’s why calm folks immediately get intensely defensive—or disappear into the kitchen.
Q: The minute somebody mentions politics at dinner, most of us attain for the wine or change the topic. Is there a greater approach?
Massey: Sure—I educate a simple three-step course of: (1) honor your self, (2) honor your neighbor, (3) share your story.
Our nation was based on the concept all persons are created equal and endowed with unalienable rights, together with freedom of thought and expression. While you stand in that liberty, you don’t want others to agree with you. If somebody mocks or shames you, that’s simply their opinion.
These three steps are a simple technique to do not forget that disagreement doesn’t exile you from humanity. The truth is, having disagreements amicably exhibits that People can respect variations and nonetheless break bread collectively—similar to we did on the first Thanksgiving.
Q: Inform us about these three steps. How do they work?
Massey: Step 1: Honor your self is about conserving your self grounded and your rational mind within the driver’s seat.
First, discover what’s taking place in your physique earlier than you open your mouth. In case your coronary heart fee spikes, your jaw tightens, or your shoulders creep towards your ears, that’s your survival system signaling that it’s about to take management—and as soon as it does, there’s nothing you are able to do to cease it.
While you discover these indicators, take some deep breaths or use a respiratory approach, like 4-square breathing. It distracts your thoughts and floods your cells with oxygen.
Along with your rational mind nonetheless on-line, remind your self there’s nothing to win—you aren’t altering them, similar to they aren’t altering you.
Step 2: Honor your neighbor is about serving to the opposite particular person keep of their proper thoughts.
Once we really feel attacked, defenses go up. The second you shift the dialog from condemning to curiosity, all the things modifications.
All of us have a narrative that has formed us, so say to the opposite particular person: “That’s an attention-grabbing level that I hadn’t considered. Are you able to inform me extra about the way you got here to that understanding?”
When folks really feel heard, their survival system doesn’t fear about being kicked out of the tribe.
Step 3: Share your story is strictly what it says—you’re sharing your story, not your opinion.
The automated mind doesn’t care about info, information, or statistics, so utilizing them gained’t change anybody’s thoughts.
What can folks right here? Vulnerability. While you discuss your individual expertise, an argument turns into connection. Merely put, the reply to our variations is to humanize them, not politicize them.
Q: So, we must always simply nod and agree with everybody?
Massey: By no means. These steps aren’t about agreeing—the objective is to have a dialog, not a confrontation. Consider it as dinner-table diplomacy.
Q: That sounds good in idea, however does it actually work in follow?
Massey: Sure—and there’s a fantastic instance from the pandemic. Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie, a revered conservative, joined a podcast the place infectious illness consultants debated anti-vaxxers, however nobody was satisfied. Then Christie informed a private story.
He stated he obtained vaccinated as a result of his aunt and uncle died of COVID, and he’d had a extreme case himself. He stated he obtained the vaccine as a result of he didn’t wish to die—but additionally informed them they didn’t need to, as a result of that is America and that’s their proper.
What occurred? He was calm and assured in his place (Step 1). He listened and revered their opinion (Step 2). He didn’t attempt to persuade them; he shared a really private story (Step 3).
Q: What’s the largest takeaway for folks heading into vacation dinners this 12 months?
Massey: Keep in mind that everybody on the desk has an inner “Guide of Life In keeping with Me”—a lifetime of experiences that formed their beliefs. You don’t need to agree, however you possibly can honor the humanity behind these variations.
Larraine Segil is founder, chair and CEO of The Distinctive Ladies Alliance.
