Excessive-pressure conditions at work, like an essential assembly, are sometimes the backdrop for our most reactive skilled moments. In 2025 almost two-thirds (60%) of staff who spent greater than 15 hours per week in conferences reported experiencing extreme stress ranges, based on a Wiley Workplace Intelligence report.
When battle arises, our our bodies usually react earlier than our brains. You may lose your mood, lose your phrases, or end up anxiously agreeing to one thing that you simply don’t even have capability to do. It could possibly really feel deeply irritating, and even shameful, when your responses really feel impulsive and out of your management.
However is it the annoying assembly itself that causes our reactivity, or are we bringing it into the room earlier than the assembly has even began?
In right this moment’s “infinite workday” (the time period coined by Microsoft of their 2025 Work Trend Index) of fixed emails, conferences, and notifications, employees are already confused and on the again foot. On this reactive state, you’re anticipating the worst—listening out for annoyances, slights, and irritations. In my expertise as an government coach, our reactivity can go even deeper than that. It’s a survival response laid down lengthy earlier than you bought your present job title.
What does reactivity appear to be?
Reactivity in excessive stress conferences manifests as freeze, combat, or fawn. Freezing doesn’t at all times appear to be paralysis. It’s going quiet when you could have one thing to say. Combating doesn’t at all times appear to be aggression. It’s a sharpness in your voice that you simply catch a beat too late. And fawning is agreeing if you don’t, accommodating if you’re seething, making your self smaller in a room the place you could have each proper to take up house. What begins as occasional reactivity can change into reflexive, that means that your physique has discovered this response as the trail of least resistance.
There’s a niche between what high-achieving leaders count on of themselves and what they really have accessible when it counts.
What I’ve seen in almost 20 years of teaching senior leaders is that those who describe themselves as reactive in conferences are literally “pre-reactive.” In different phrases, the assembly isn’t the place the story begins; it’s the place it surfaces.
Excessive performers don’t at all times really feel depleted and that’s the issue. You’ve recalibrated so steadily to psychological stress that the state you’re in feels regular. It’s not. You’re fascinated about work if you’re nominally off, checking messages the second you get up and biking by way of tomorrow’s agenda at midnight. This state is commonly described as conscientiousness but it surely leads to a nervous system that by no means absolutely stands down.
Superficially you may really feel okay, however within the assembly room when the stress spikes, you uncover there’s nothing left within the tank. You’ve received no capability to control your feelings and determine the way to react.
According to the neuroscientist Nicole Vignola, when our brains are “at all times on” it turns into a lot tougher to shift away from a state of vigilance. This state is more and more changing into the norm when, based on a 2026 study of over 1,000 organizations, artificial intelligence is including to workloads quite than redistributing them.
Why reactive moments aren’t actually about what triggers you. . .
Reactivity is much less about what’s triggering you and might be extra about how previous the response feels. The reply may reveal that the present agenda merchandise isn’t actually the issue. That’s as a result of our most reactive moments usually really feel youthful than us. Instantly you’re not the 50-year-old within the room however somebody earlier. Somebody for whom being challenged in entrance of others carried a price, lengthy earlier than this assembly existed.
When a colleague says one thing chopping, when somebody takes credit score on your concept, when the dialog shifts in a path you didn’t anticipate—your physique responds earlier than your mind catches up. That doesn’t imply you’re insufficiently senior or skilled. It means your nervous system is operating software program significantly older than your job title.
Freeze, combat, and fawn aren’t grownup responses. They’re survival responses—circuits that had been laid down earlier than you had a management crew or a P&L. In a high-stakes assembly, these circuits don’t distinguish between an actual risk and a passive-aggressive peer. They only fireplace.
A 4-step system to cut back your reactivity in conferences
Right here’s the 4-step system I exploit with senior leaders earlier than they go right into a difficult assembly, particularly in the event that they’re not at optimum energetic capability. It creates a shift that means that you can be extra intentional and regarded.
At all times do not forget that your response isn’t being generated by the assembly. It’s been activated by it. It was already there. That recognition—even partial, even mid-meeting—creates a pause that gives sufficient time to decide on in another way and have a second of authorship over what occurs subsequent.
1. Earlier than the assembly: reset BEFORE you stroll in
Previous to the assembly, your goal is to get to a impartial place from which you’ll be able to reply as a substitute of react. There are three steps: First, title your present state (it could be “tense,” “rushed,” “defensive”). Then take a look at one thing within the distance to widen your focus. Lastly, do a number of rounds of baseline respiratory, which is the title I’ve given to the physiological sigh. Inhale deeply, then, with out exhaling, take a top-up breath and maintain for a beat earlier than an extended, gradual exhale.
2. Earlier than the assembly: determine in your sample override
Below stress, you’ll default to previous patterns except you’ve consciously chosen and rehearsed another. As an example, if you understand you conform to issues too rapidly, your sample override could be to say, “Might I get again to you?” On this case, your purpose is to keep away from committing to one thing within the assembly itself. You’ll be able to revisit a thought of reply but it surely’s tougher to undo a reflexive one.
3. Throughout the assembly: gradual your self down
Reactivity loves pace. Management strikes in a extra thought of manner. Gradual your self down by anchoring into your physique. Really feel your ft in your sneakers, the place they make contact with the ground. Really feel the pen in your hand. Observe talking at a slower tempo, and in a decrease tone. In case you want house within the warmth of the second, go gradual and low. Say “Let me take into consideration that.” Or use a phrase like, “Are you able to say extra about that?” In case you say one thing that felt reactive, having a phrase at your fingertips that you simply’ve rehearsed is useful—as an illustration, “That got here out extra strongly than I supposed. Let me reset.”
4. After the assembly: clear the residue
Resetting after the assembly is an influence transfer. First seize any actions to attenuate open loops in your thoughts. Then clear the whiteboard of your mind— ideally by doing one thing totally different for a short while to shift psychological gears. Stroll across the constructing. Seize a espresso. Do one thing away out of your display. As you’re doing this, say to your self, “That’s achieved now.”
Each time doable, construction a buffer between conferences to attenuate one name bleeding into the subsequent, with no likelihood to reset. Attempt reserving 25- or 55-minute conferences and also you’ll be shocked how little pushback you get.
Turning into much less reactive doesn’t imply it’s important to cease reacting altogether. It means recognizing it earlier, understanding your personal patterns and designing a system that higher serves you.
The assembly doesn’t create the reactivity. In all chance, you introduced it with you. That data is extra liberating than you assume.
